Saturday, January 11, 2014

GO and DO

Where do I even start! The last month has been by far the craziest of my whole life. I started having really bad back pains in the beginning of December, and it scared me SO bad. I DID NOT want to be sent home. Long story short I ended up staying in the hospital for a short time in MD and here I am back in good ol North Ogden. The hospital was a crazy experience haha thank goodness for Sister Cox she kept me sane. I never really understood how bad I was at understanding accents until that week. I had an awesome room mate there that I really got to know. We would stay up some nights talking late into the night, and the curtain was always was open in our room. I think our nurses thought we were crazy! Maybe we were, but I don't think I could have been able to stand being alone. I am so grateful for that new friendship.
I came home right before Christmas...I honestly don't even remember what day.( It feels like an eternity!) I remember being so relieved and at peace when my mission president told me I would be going home to get it taken care of. NOT a normal feeling for me! I was sure that everything would work out, I would do 6 weeks of physical therapy and be right back out doing what I love. I was certain that there was some reason. Some specific reason that I would be coming home. I am still trying to figure that part out.
Our flight got delayed 10 hours! Luckily we met a member at the airport and he just happened to have games that kept us busy while we waited for our flight. The walk from the plane to the escalator at Salt Lake was the longest walk of my whole entire life. I think I stopped and gave myself a pep talk 10 times! WHY. Why in the world was this happening to me. Why me? Why now? Well...I have stopped asking why and started asking WHAT. What can I do. What can I change. What can I be. What is His will. ( Still not sure...trying to figure that part out)
Being home has been the hardest transfer of my mission! They even made me take off my name badge and people call me Tayleur. A new name, a new language, a new culture, new music, new food, new everything! I think the hardest part has been not having a companion to listen to every thought that crosses my mind...I don't think I ever realized how much I talk until now. My back has been a roller coaster. At first they thought they new exactly what was wrong, and I got all of my hopes up! But..nothing got better. So more blood tests, and MRI's. I just miss Rita's, Sister Cox, Savage Mill Ward, Lisa and Evelyn, Jeremy and Porter, SHEP-TOWN, cupcakes from the sweet shop, and Miss Kim. I miss things I never thought I would miss...I miss the humidity, the giant centipedes, Scot's Manor, crazy food, ghetto talk, and car fasts. I miss it all.
So, after no progress was being made of course my stubborn little self got all discouraged. I was asking WHY again. Why me. One night I got my answer. I started reading the Book of Mormon from the beginning ( me and my companion finished it  together the first night in the E.R.) and while I was reading I was blown away of the story of Lehi and his family leaving and fleeing into the wilderness! They left everything they knew. ALL of there friends. ALL of there riches and favorite things. They left there house. They left there home town. They left everything! Kind of like a leave everything behind for one thing...God. You trust like crazy and sometimes people might even murmur. You might have doubts. You might even still have fears. But everything is okay. Just like the family in the BOM...everything is okay. But then God decides to make them stretch to do something they totally are not okay with! He asks them to go back! What! You just had us leave...why me? Why now? (sound familiar) A quote I found from my main man C.S. Lewis sums it all up pretty good..."Imagine yourself as a living house. God comes in to rebuild that house. At first, perhaps, you can understand what He is doing. He is getting the drains right and stopping the leaks in the roof and so on, you knew that those jobs needed doing and so you are not surprised. But presently He starts knocking the house about in a way that hurts abominably and does not seem to make any sense. What on earth is He up to? The explanations is that He is building quite  a different house from the one you thought of- throwing out a new wing here, putting on an extra floor there, running up towers, making courtyards. You thought you were being made into a decent  little cottage; but He is building a palace. He intends to come and live in it Himself." They didn't want to leave again! They just left everything and they just started to understand the "WHY" of that. And now you are asking me to leave again, go back to what I loved. And Laman and Lemuel murmured. ( kind of like me A LOT of the time. I am workin on it.). But Nephi says to his father: I will GO and DO the things which the Lord hath commanded (even if I don't understand the WHY), for I know that the Lord giveth no commandments unto the children of men, save He shall prepare a way for them ( He has it all planned out. All Nephi has to do is trust.) that they may accomplish the thing which he commandeth them.
For now this is my answer. To GO and DO. Whatever Heavenly Father has planned for me will all make sense in the end. Whether I get to go back out or not. Whether I find out now why I am here or not. Trust. " Trust in Him. Trust Him who knows all things. Trust Him who has all power. Trust Him whose love for you is perfect. Trust Him, who alone suffered, paid and atoned for your sins, and for your weaknesses as well. Trust Him that He will make of you, immeasurably more, than what you will ever, ever in all eternity, make of yourself. He will create of you a masterpiece. You will create of you only a smudge. You will create an ordinary man. He will create a God." - C.S. Lewis.